The eldest daughter effect: Navigating expectations and responsibilities
Family13.12.2024
While I’m mostly a reader of fiction, over the years I’ve bought a dozen or so self-help books.
These have titles like “How to Stop Being a People Pleaser,” “Setting Boundaries Without Guilt,” “Silencing the Inner Critic” … you get the picture, right?
Parts of these books made sense to me, but none of them ever completely summed up my feelings. There was no “ah-ha” moment.
Until I read this line in a story about Eldest Daughter Syndrome: “I’m not alone. It’s not me being crazy. I’m just the oldest daughter.”
Ah-ha! I thought.
Scrolling further down the page, I came to a screenshot of a TikTok video showcasing the following quote: “You were always so mature, well-behaved, and independent. You took care of everyone and I never had to worry about you.”
My first thought was, Who’s been interviewing my mother? One of her favourite stories is how when I was four, and my little brother would convulse with febrile seizures, she could call out to me to fetch his seizure medication, bring a cold face cloth, and call my father at work. “You were always so mature …”
I know she thinks this story is a compliment to me. I also know that every time she tells it I tense up.
I remember those seizures. I remember feeling very alone, running around our house doing those important tasks. I remember not liking it. And it’s not that I resent being asked – I mean, she was home alone with a two-year-old having a seizure and a four-year-old who knew how to use the phone. It’s not surprising she asked for my help – but I could do without the reminders.
Every time that story comes up, it doesn’t feel like just a memory of those moments in time – it feels like a reminder of my role. You know… as the Eldest Daughter.
Maybe you have a similar memory, or maybe some of the indicators below ring true to you:
Constantly taking the lead: You often find yourself automatically stepping into the role of organizer or decision-maker in family gatherings and crises, even when others are capable of these tasks.
Perpetual caregiver: From a young age, you’ve taken on caregiving responsibilities, possibly for siblings, aging relatives, or to support your parents emotionally.
High self-expectation and self-criticism: You hold yourself to an exceptionally high standard in all areas of life and are your own harshest critic, rarely feeling satisfied with your achievements.
Reluctance to delegate: You struggle to delegate tasks to others because you feel they won’t handle them with the same level of care or attention to detail that you would.
Emotional burden bearer: You often find yourself being the emotional pillar in your family, managing not just logistical but also emotional crises, sometimes at the expense of your own well-being.
Conflict between loyalty and resentment: You feel a deep sense of loyalty and duty towards your family, yet this often comes with underlying feelings of resentment due to the imbalance in responsibility distribution.
While “syndrome” is an easy reference word, this isn’t a diagnosis. It’s not a mental or psychological condition. It’s not an illness.
Rather, it’s a helpful description that applies to many of us (more on that in a minute). Sometimes, when you’re feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, taking a deep breath and running through the above list can give you the distance you need to not take on all the responsibility, to delegate a task or two, to cut yourself some slack.
And, yes, this applies to more than just first-born daughters. I firmly believe you can be an eldest daughter by birth, or by the role you’ve come to inhabit in your life. Maybe you’re the daughter who lives closest to aging parents, maybe you have the skills to navigate a particular crisis, or maybe it’s just in your nature to be the manager/caregiver/leader/gluestick everybody else turns to.
Shakespeare knew all about it: “Some are born eldest daughters, some achieve eldest daughterhood, and others have being the eldest daughter thrust upon them” – or something like that.
I’m not a doctor, therapist, or even a life coach. I’m just somebody who knows words like “responsible,” “reliable,” and “capable” can feel more like anchors, even when they’re meant as compliments.
So, if you’re feeling weighed down, please be reassured that you’re not overthinking it. You’re just the eldest daughter. Which, OK, maybe means you’re overthinking it. But you’re not alone. We’re all navigating these waters together, often with more grace than we give ourselves credit for. If this resonates with you, why not share your story? Let’s celebrate the strength it takes to be the glue in our families and communities.
